The Title
by SixSeasons
Summary: A self-insert runs amuck in the Slayers universe.


Lina grinned. "We're here!"

"Where exactly is here, Lina?"

Lina looked back at her companions: Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis and Xelloss. "We're about to steal the greatest treasure of all time!"

"But Miss Lina! It's wrong to steal!"

Lina leaned against a tree, exasperated. "Amelia! No one really owns great, ancient treasures like this one. Stealing it is really just a term for taking the thing that belongs to nobody. Besides, if somebody _did_ own it, it's not like they're getting any use out of it just letting it lie around in a cave and gather dust!"

Zelgadis shifted his arms. He wasn't really plussed about the idea of traveling all day to get an object that was probably of next to no use to him. "What is it, Lina?"

"Ah! What is it, he asks. Why Zelgadis, this is only the greatest, most powerful, most ancientest treasure in the world! For centuries - "

"What is it, he asks again."

Lina sighed. "It's called the The Beeping Box From Hell That Everybody Hates But Can't Live Without. But I think its original name was the... Computer."

"Wahhh! But Miss Lina! Isn't that guarded by a Dark Lord? The one called... Author?"

"Come one Amelia! That's just a silly old tale! Everybody knows that the Author doesn't exist!"

"She does, Lina."

The group turned to look at Xelloss, his amethyst eyes open with trepidation. "She exists. But she isn't a Dark Lord... she created this world. From what I know of her, she makes Deep Sea seem perfectly sane."

The group blinked. "She created this world?" "She's really that nuts?" "Who's Deep Sea?"

Xelloss cheerfully mauled Gourry with his staff. "She's actually very nuts. Rather homicidal, too."

"I resent that."

The group had but time for another blink before they disappeared.

* * *

It was frightening. It was dark, it smelled funny, and there was eerie music playing somewhere in the distance. Amelia gulped. "Mr. Zelgadis, I'm scared. Where are we?"

Zelgadis turned away from her, hoping she wouldn't see how frightened he was. "I think we're probably in the lair of the Author."

The group gulped.

"Yes, my children. You _are_ in the lair of the Author."

Suddenly the lights went on, revealing a tall, shorthaired blonde girl. She blinked her green eyes at them, then offered them a seat. "Heya! I'm the Author, pleased to meet ya. What can I do you kids for?"

The group fell over.

The Author scratched her head. "I wonder why they always do that?"

Amelia whimpered. "You're the Author? You know, it wasn't very just for you to kidnap us and then scare us with this darkness, funny smell and eerie music! You're so mean!"

The Author grinned and gave Amelia a big hug. "You're the most annoying person I've ever met! Of course, I mean that in the nicest way possible! I'm going to give you to Erin as a present! She likes you! Isn't she odd? Did you know that no one else likes you? But Erin likes you, and I like you, and Zelgadis likes you in some of my dimensions. Isn't that just splenderiffic?"

Amelia trembled, terrified. So that's why people were scared of her... she was just sooo nice!

The Author ran over and gave Zelgadis a hug and a huge kiss. "Yuck, you taste like stone! But that's okay, because you're still real cute! I'm not going to give you to Erin though, because I like you! But I can't keep you either, because that will make the boyfriend I don't have jealous, don't you agree?"

Zelgadis decided he definitely preferred Dark Lords.

The Author ran over to Gourry and hugged his hair. "Oh my God! I love your hair! Can I keep it? Wow! It smells nice! Do you use herbal essences shampoo? I'm going to give you to my Queen the Great Koneko-sama! I promised to get her a harem a while ago, but so far I haven't been successful. Aren't I a terrible minion? Maybe if I give her to you, she'll give me a Parking Space! Oh wait, she already gave me one, so on second thought, I don't need you! Sorry Koneko-sama!"

Gourry blinked. "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention. What did you say?"

The Author grinned tenaciously. "I said... Oh my God! I love your hair! Can I keep it? Wow! It smells nice! Do you use herbal essences shampoo? I'm going to give you to my Queen the Great Koneko-sama! I promised to get her a harem a while ago, but so far I haven't been successful. Aren't I a terrible minion? Maybe if I give her to you, she'll give me a Parking Space! Oh wait, she already gave me one, so on second thought, I don't need you! Sorry Koneko-sama!"

Amelia and Zel hugged each other in fright. Gourry blinked again, started to ask her to repeat herself, but was clobbered by the Author before he got the first word out. "Now now, twice only. Otherwise I'm going to lose my voice! Now... hey... where did your companions go?"

Gourry shrugged. "I think they left."

The Author shook her head. "Tsk tsk, little animated figures! I won't let you get away from me that easily." The Author suddenly goes Terminator. "Come out, little kiddies..." She pulls on mecha style sun glasses and grabs Koneko-sama's Big-Bum Bazooka. "Astalavista, hiding ones."

Lina and Xelloss come out from behind a stalactite that was actually just a pile of dirty laundry.

The Author runs towards Xelloss. "Ah! Xelloss/Xeros/Xellos/Zeros/Zelloss/Zellos!"

Xelloss cowered, praying he wouldn't be hugged. He opened his eyes in surprise when he wasn't. Instead, the Author was groping his staff.

"Stick! I want the stick!"

"It's my staff."

"I want it! I want it! Give me! Ah! Give me!"

"Give me, give me never gets. Don't you know your manners yet?"

"Yes I do, very well. Give me, give me, anyhow!"

Xelloss blinked, and knowing he had been conquered by the Author's superior Wit and Ability to Annoy, handed over the staff.

"Stick! Yay! I got the Sticky-poo! Glee!"

"What about me?"

The Author turned to Lina. "You hold no interest for me. I can't give you to Erin, I don't want to kiss you, I don't want your hair, and you don't have a stick. You can go away. So can all the rest of you!"

"Hallelujah!" The group chorused.

"Except Amelia, because I'm giving her to Erin."

"HALLELUJAH!" The group sans Amelia chorused.

And they lived happily ever after, except for Amelia who got stuck in the back of Erin's messy closet and wasn't found again until Erin decided to clean up, which wasn't for another century or two.


End file.
